The Psychology of a Workplace Bully

Whether they ice you out like Miranda Priestly or shamelessly pressurize you like ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ Jordan Belfort, workplace bullies come in all shapes and sizes.

In fact, a staggering 30% of adults have faced bullying at work, with tactics ranging from verbal abuse and spreading rumors to isolating and excluding people. For the victims, it's a high-risk, stressful and demotivating experience. Bullies can torpedo your self-esteem and even push you to quit your job. 

So, what gives? Why do some people feel the need to make others feel small or offended?

The answer lies in the complex psychology of a workplace bully.  

What is bullying in the workplace? 

First things first, what exactly is a workplace bully? According to Dr. Sara Goldstein, professor at the University of Delaware, “a bully is someone who repeatedly harasses, picks on, or uses aggression against somebody else.” 

Bullying can be regular or occasional, overt or covert. It can happen in the office, at work-related events such as conferences, or via technology like emails and instant messaging. Whatever form it takes, bullying relies on an imbalance of power. “The bully has a higher status than the victim in some way," Dr. Goldstein explains. "This higher status could be socially, professionally, physically, or in any area of importance.”

In some cases, the bully's higher status makes their behavior easier to spot. They’re the boss who flies off the handle, the coworker who incessantly dishes out criticism, or the manager with a penchant for intimidation. 

This is what’s known as overt bullying, which Dr.Goldstein describes as “a pattern of direct verbal put downs or name calling, and direct teasing or demeaning behavior.”

But there's a second type of bullying that's much more subtle—relational bullying. “This is a form of bullying where social relationships are used as the mechanism for harm,” Dr. Goldstein says. “For example, somebody may repeatedly spread defamatory rumors about a victim, or may try to get others to distrust or distance themselves from the victim.”

The trouble with relational bullying is that it often happens behind closed doors. The victim of bullying behavior may start to feel like their colleagues are ‘distancing’ themselves or saying things to try to make it look as though they are bad at their job, but they’ll have no real evidence to show for it. 

“Relational bullying can happen in the context of seemingly typical conversations, and sometimes the victim themselves is not aware that it has happened until it is too late,” Dr. Goldstein says. 

Unfortunately, this means that relational bullying can stay hidden for longer, and is much harder to seek justice for. “Obviously, it’s a legal issue to hit or push or otherwise physically assault a co-worker,” Dr. Goldstein says. “In contrast, spreading a rumor about somebody in a covert, subtle way often goes undetected with no consequences whatsoever for the bully.” 

Inside the brain of a bully

Whether you’re dealing with an all-out tyrannical boss or a gossiping colleague, you’ve probably wondered why the person in question feels the need to pick on others. And how do they manage to get away with it?   

In a few rare cases, you may be dealing with a full-blown narcissist in the workplace. These people have inflated egos and act solely in their own self-interest. They may feel entitled to belittle others, view themselves as superior, and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. 

But most bullies are not necessarily narcissists. Instead, workplace bullying comes down to the classic case of hurt people hurting people. 

“The bully may actually not feel so great about themselves, so they use this behavior as a way of making themselves feel better,” Dr. Goldstein explains. “Importantly, the bully likely had some type of model for this type of behavior, potentially in their families, peer groups, or in their prior work experiences.”  

Dorothy Suskind, Ph.D, author of Workplace Bullying: Finding Your Way to Big Tent Belonging agrees. She says that, “bullies work from a scarcity model: if you win, I lose. In order to create a sense of belonging for themselves, they construct a small circle of followers and insist on complete compliance to maintain membership.” 

In other words, you're either in the bully's inner circle, or you're a target. This creates an “us vs. them” mentality and feeds into the bully's need for power and control. 

Bullying is a play of many characters

When you're trying to make sense of workplace bullying, it's easy to assume that there are just two players—the bully and the victim. But in reality, workplace bullying involves a complex web of relationships and dynamics that can make it tough for victims to break free. 

Through her studies into bullying, Suskind has identified a number of archetypes who all play an essential role in the bullying process:

• The Dragon: The Dragon is the antagonist—the lead bully. They may be motivated by a deep-seated craving for power or gaping insecurities but, either way, they identify their target and write a plan to make their victim's life a misery. 
• Shapeshifters: These people “want power but do not possess the charisma of the Dragon, so they carry out the Dragon’s dirty work in order to feel a sense of belonging,” Suskind says. Dragons will latch onto the Shapeshifter's need for recognition and questionable ethics, and use them to do the Dragon's biddings.   
• Community Builders: Community Builders “are often kindhearted but resistant to making waves," Suskind says. "Thus, they ignore the attacks on the target and, by their complicity, contribute to the toxic work environment.” 
• The Victim: According to Suskind, victims are those who do not fit neatly into the Dragon’s circle of followers. They “work from a place of abundance and value intellectual risk-taking, autonomy, cross collaborations, and diverse thoughts,” she says. As a result, bullies target them because “they threaten their view of the world.”

For anyone on the receiving end of bullying behavior, it can be tough to know who to trust when there are all these different personalities involved.  However, understanding these characters and their motivations can help victims to better navigate the situation and ultimately break free from the cycle of bullying. And it may be a wake-up call for those who have unknowingly enabled the bullying to take place. 

What can you do if you are bullied at work?

If you’re the victim of workplace bullying, or know someone who’s suffering, there are a few things you can do to minimize the impact of the behavior. Here are some tips from the experts:

Leave

“My first answer is not a particularly popular one, though I still stand by it: Leave,” Suskind says. “If you study the numbers, close to 70% of victims of workplace bullying eventually lose their job through firing, constructive discharge, transfer, or voluntary separation; whereas, less than 25% of bullies suffer negative repercussions for their bad behavior.”

These numbers are incredibly disheartening. They show just how tricky it can be to defeat a workplace bully, especially if it's a repeated pattern of behavior and leaders are turning a blind eye.

If you can, it's often best to find another job or career where you are treated with respect and dignity.

Create distance

If you’re not ready to leave your job, Suskind recommends creating as much distance as you can between yourself and the bully, such as “moving your office, finding a quiet room where you can escape, or setting out each day for a walk around campus to rejuvenate.”

She also recommends building up your support system. “Having people in your larger social circle you can confide in significantly decreases trauma levels,” she says. If you have allies at work, it makes the bullying feel less isolating and they can help run interference for you when needed.

Report the abuse

Speaking up and challenging a bully can be incredibly scary, but it’s important to remember that you have rights in the workplace. Sometimes, just getting the issue out  in the open can be enough to stop a bully in their tracks.

Before you make a report, it's important to document the bullying behavior. "Keep a running log of comments said, work sabotaged, and manipulative interactions aimed at derailing your career,” Suskind says. “This documentation allows you to speak in specifics when reporting the abuse.”

Look after your mental health

While deciding how to respond to a workplace bully, it's important to prioritize your mental health. That starts with remembering that workplace bullying is a cultural problem—not a you problem. Try to keep your confidence in yourself, and don't let the bully's words get into your head.

If you feel your mental health is suffering, consider seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor. They can offer unbiased guidance and support while you navigate this difficult situation. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help.

Above all, keep track of how you are feeling. Bullying at work is a gradual process that wears you down over time. You might feel like you can cope now, but what about in 3, 6, 12 months time?

Acknowledge the realities of the situations, make plans to deal with them proactively, and remember that you don't deserve to be treated poorly. “When possible, leave the toxic environment,” Suskind says. “You deserve to work in a community that feeds your spirit.”