Can You Ever Truly Change Another Person? Here’s the Expert Take

We’ve all dated someone who was *almost* a perfect match for us, except for that one red flag. Maybe they were the paleo to your vegan, or their love style was physical and yours is practical. Maybe they had a terrible habit of shutting down in emotional conversations or sucked at communicating. 

Whatever it was, a part of you hoped you could change them—and maybe still hopes you can. 

So, is it possible? We asked two experts to answer that question.

You can’t just tell someone to change 

It would be wonderful if we could tell someone to stop doing something and do something different instead, and they immediately listened and changed said behavior for good.

Unfortunately, human brains don’t work that way. 

As Professor of Philosophy and author Peg O’Conner explains, change requires breaking ingrained habits. If you’ve ever tried to change something about yourself, like quitting smoking or hitting the gym more, you know how challenging it can be. 

“We become who we are by what we do repeatedly,” O’Conner says. “Our character is a consequence of our habits, and where and how we direct our attention and efforts.”

So, how do habits form? According to Wendy Wood, Professor of Psychology and Business, and author of Good Habits, Bad Habits, we repeat behaviors that work for us and get us some type of reward. 

“All we have to do is repeat something and get rewarded for it, and we’re learning a habit. In fact, 43% of what people do every day is habitual. They’re automatically responding without really making decisions. And that’s what a habit is: a mental shortcut that worked for us in the past and got us some reward.”

Here’s where things get interesting. On the surface, it looks like your partner could easily learn to spend less money, improve their emotional intelligence, or whatever it is that’s frustrating you. Surely they could  just change that behavior to make your relationship better, right? 

However, as Wood’s research shows, changing a habit has very little to do with self-control. 

“Many people actually confuse habit and self-control,” she says. “The majority of people in my surveys say that in order to start a new habit you have to exert self-control, and that’s just not true. Instead, you need to know how to form habits that meet your goals: understand the influence of situations and choose ones in which it’s easier to repeat desired actions.”

The person must be willing to change

Enter the sticking point. While it’s entirely possible for someone to change their habits for the better, it’s vital that they want to do it, and are motivated to do it, for anything to stick. 

“Willingness is crucial to pruning habits,” O’Conner says. “If that willingness isn’t there, no amount of bribing or persuading will have an effect.”

Unfortunately, this is where things often go awry in relationships. One person tries to force someone to change, when they don't really want to, and things end up becoming more volatile. 

“Even with the best intentions, deep concern and respect, no one person can force another to truly change,” O’Conner notes. “In fact, a pressure campaign—saying things like “if you loved me you would change”—may backfire to catastrophic effect, driving people further apart." 

Try helping them in other ways  

That’s not to say you need to swallow your feelings and wait and hope for them to magically change. You can use the power of habit formation to your advantage, and  help nudge your partner in the direction you’d like.  

As Dr. Wood’s research on habits shows, the best way to swap an old habit for a new one is to make the new experience simple and fun. “We form habits based on what’s easy and rewarding, what’s easy for us to do repeatedly, and what’s rewarding in the context,” she explains. That way, we begin to form new habits that trigger the same dopamine release as our old ones so we can transition more smoothly.   

Instead of “cajoling or wheedling” someone to change, O’Conner recommends being encouraging. “When a person recognizes they can impress others, deserve better and do better, that can be powerfully motivating,” she says. Compliment the person, expressing gratitude for them and focusing on the positive aspects of their actions. 

In essence, this is about developing your own new habit—being a source of kindness, motivation and support when the person acts in the desired way, rather than putting them down when they don’t. Your partner needs to believe that change is possible for them, and you can play a role in building their confidence. 

You can’t change them but you can change yourself 

While positively reinforcing their good habits is key to helping your loved one form new, healthy behaviors, your efforts will only work if the other person truly wants to change.

O’Conner can’t emphasize this enough. “We can help the other person find a path, get on it, support them as they perhaps crawl or trip along it. But we cannot magically teleport them down that path and have them be a new and different person.”

And that’s why, ultimately, you can’t change other people. You can only change yourself—and who you choose to have in your life. 

So if somebody’s behaviors are stressing you out, triggering negative feelings or zapping your energy—and they’re unwilling to do anything about it—it’s probably time to stop trying to change them. Instead, change how much time you spend with them. Your boundaries have to come first.