How to “Break Up” with Your Toxic Job

It’s not you. It’s them. 

The disagreements. The nights you’ve lost sleep. The nagging feeling that something is missing. 

You’ve thought about leaving before. But every time you get one foot out the door, they reel you back in with sweet nothings. 

Unfortunately, you’re in a toxic relationship…with your job. 

So, here’s how to consciously uncouple and move on for good. 

But First, Can You Rekindle the Spark?

Before you throw in the towel, take some time to think about what’s gone wrong at work and why. At some point, you loved your job — and maybe you still can. 

Has your job become boring? Are you feeling burned out? Do your colleagues irritate you? Whatever it is, ask yourself if the situation is repairable.

If you think it might be, communicate with your manager about how you’re feeling. A good leader will want to help you achieve your best, and you might just be able to rekindle the love you once had. 

If, however, the situation is beyond repair, it’s time to initiate phase one of the break up. 

The Breakup Phases

We’re not being dramatic when we say breaking up with a job can be almost as painful as a romantic breakup. 

That’s because our jobs can become a huge part of our identity. In fact, University of Sheffield research indicates that three-quarters define ourselves by our job. That can make leaving all the more hard to do. 

You might wonder, “who will I be without this job?” or “what if I don’t get another job quickly?” These kinds of worries may lead you to stay longer than you really should. 

On top of that, a toxic job is much like a toxic relationship. If you’re trapped in one, gathering the courage to quit can bring up all sorts of difficult feelings — things like guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness and more. 

But the thing to remember is: you deserve better. Even though the road ahead will have ups and downs, in a few months from now you’ll feel more confident, happy and fulfilled. 

Here’s what to do. 

Step One: Find the Learnings

Think about the last time you broke up with someone. During that period just before things ended, you probably had a few lightbulb moments about what you want and don’t want in a romantic partner. 

The same goes for breaking up with your job — it’s a great time for reflection. Chances are, you will have picked up a lot of insights about your workplace preferences. 

Whether that’s having a better idea of the kinds of people you gel with, the vocation you’re in or tasks you want to avoid at all costs, there’s sure to be plenty of valuable learnings you can apply when looking for your next role. 

And if you’re struggling to figure out exactly what’s missing, try our free Career Aptitude and 16 Types tests. They’re quick, fun ways to get a deeper understanding of who you are, your likes and dislikes and the careers that suit your strengths. 

Step Two: Act With Grace

Now for the hard part: handing in your notice. If you’ve been treated unfairly, it can be tempting to leave on bad terms. You owe them nothing, after all!

However, you — and your career prospects — will do better for taking the high road. As the saying goes, don’t burn bridges. You might need a reference from your employer in the future, and you don’t want to give people a reason to gossip once you’ve left. 

With that in mind, be cordial and go by the book. Give plenty of notice, share constructive feedback about why you’re deciding to leave, and do all you can to write a helpful handover. 

By walking out on a high note, you’ll remind your toxic workplace just what they’ll miss! 

Step Three: Feel the Feelings

The trouble with toxic bosses and colleagues is that they can make you doubt your own sense of reality. Even though they were in the wrong, they likely made you feel like you weren’t good enough. 

That gets us to step three: processing your emotions. Allow yourself to feel any difficult feelings that come up, knowing that they’ll pass. It can be useful to talk to people you trust about what you experienced, too. They can help to build your confidence back and cheer you up when you’re feeling down. 

Leaving a job because of unfair treatment can also hurt your self-esteem. So, be mindful of how you talk to yourself. Practice self-compassion and trust that there’s a better, brighter job out there. 

Step Four: Get Back Out There!

You’ve cried. You’ve felt angry. You’ve eaten your body weight in chocolate. And finally, you’re beginning to feel liberated. You’re no longer waking up anxious and exhausted. You’re hopeful that there’s something better out there. 

Now, it’s time to find it. 

As you start your job hunt, be careful of falling into a rebound job. Instead of jumping into anything too quickly, take the time to really imagine your ideal career. What industries resonate with you? Where do you want to be in a year from now? What does your perfect day at work look like?

Once you’ve got a roadmap figured out, you can start applying to jobs intentionally based on your goals. That doesn’t mean your next job has to be *the one.*  But it should at least serve as a stepping stone in the direction of your career dreams. 

Soon after that, you’ll have your first interview! While these are always a little daunting, try framing the meeting as a first date. The company isn’t just interviewing you. You’re interviewing them to see if they’re compatible with your wants and needs.  

Step Five: Thrive

Congratulations! At this point, you’ve officially won the breakup. You’ve said goodbye to your toxic job and you’re in a happier, more fulfilling place. Better yet, your old workplace secretly thinks of you as the one that got away. 

Hopefully, you’re getting settled into a new role that ticks all the boxes. If not, that’s totally okay too. Your last role taught you that you’re not going to settle for anything less than you deserve. Be picky, take your time and enjoy being free from your toxic job.