Is It “Tough Love” or Is Your Boss a Jerk?

Back in 2010, a fascinating study discovered that the typical worker spends over 19 hours per week worrying about “what a boss said or did.”

Thirteen of those hours happened during the working week. The rest occurred over the weekend, when you should be relaxing, partying or spending time with family and friends. Bosses behaving badly take up a lot of your mental energy!

While this study is a few years old, there’s no reason to think the situation has changed. Bad bosses drive people out of jobs at an alarming rate, and employees still worry a lot about what their boss meant with that snarky email or the crazy 'stretch goals' they just set.

If this is hitting too close to home, you’re probably wondering if your boss is being tough or just plain mean. Are they pushing you hard at times because they know you can handle it and that it will benefit you in the long run? Or do they see you more as a commodity or a resource than as a human being?

While some bosses may use 'tough love' as a motivational tool, there's a fine line between pushing you out of your comfort zone and being downright heartless. It's important to understand the difference, because nobody should have to endure a toxic workplace.

An Employer’s “Tough Love” in Action

It’s easy to see why bosses who practice tough love can be misunderstood. They can seem much quicker to offer criticism than praise. They may give you a lot more feedback about your work than you were expecting, making it seem like they’re nitpicking. The tough boss may seem to single out certain employees for more scrutiny and, if you make the list of the closely watched, it can feel a bit smothering at times.

While this can be tough for employees to handle, a boss who practices genuine tough love is ultimately trying to push you to improve and grow. They see potential in you and want to see you succeed. They may have high expectations for your performance because they know that you are capable of achieving great things.

The tricky part is seeing yourself objectively, like your boss sees you. Most people have a tendency to become defensive if someone points out their faults or mistakes, even if it is being done in a non-judgmental way. You may perceive hostility or rejection in such situations, which can trigger your insecurities.

To get yourself into a better mindset, try to separate your emotions from what your boss is saying or doing. Ask yourself:

• Is the feedback grounded in reality? The delivery might seem harsh or blunt, but a boss whose assessments are fair cannot be accused of having something against you.
• Does this goal, project or task stretch your wings and test your boundaries? At first, it may feel like you've been set an impossible task, but a boss who is trying to help you reach the top of your game is taking responsibility for your long-term success, not just their own.
• Are your expectations of yourself the same as your boss’s? If you’re just not feeling it about an assignment, perhaps it's more about what you expect from yourself than what your boss expects.
• Is there some room for negotiation as to the specifics? As long as you're respectful, it's reasonable to ask what your boss is looking for and whether you can meet these expectations without sacrificing other priorities. It's also reasonable to ask that feedback be delivered in a more constructive manner, if you feel it is necessary. Sometimes managers get so busy in execution they just don’t realize they're being perceived as being uncaring. Communication is key in any relationship, including that between an employee and a boss.

Ultimately, tough love should come from a place of compassion and support, not criticism and belittlement. When you step back and look at the big picture, you should be able to see the truth. If you’re progressing under your boss’s tutelage, and if your accomplishments are receiving at least some acknowledgment, these are indications that the tough love approach is working in your case.

When Does Tough Love Cross the Line?

While tough love can be a valuable tool in pushing employees to reach their full potential, it can also become harmful when taken too far. When does tough love cross the line into being toxic and damaging? here are some telltale signs:

• The comments on your work will all be critical. They won’t be balanced by praise, rewards or recognition of your efforts.
• Your boss will take their mood swings out on you and other employees. One day, your work is great and you're a star employee, the next day everything you do is wrong and you're on thin ice.
• They will have double standards and play favorites. Performance issues that you get pulled up on may be overlooked in other employees, particularly by individuals who the boss seems to like.
• Your boss may generally be impolite or rude even when they are not providing feedback. Are their emails curt and expletive filled? Do they put pressure on you in meetings just to prove that they have more authority than you?
• Feedback will frequently cross the line, criticizing not just your work, but you personally. You may be told that you’re inattentive, slow to learn, poorly prepared or that your entire generation is lazy or oversensitive. No decent person believes that it’s acceptable to make personal attacks on their staff—this manager is not helping you grow but rather trying to tear you down.

If any of the above are happening and quitting your job is not an option, it’s time to try and improve the situation. Consider initiating a candid discussion with your manager about how you can  strengthen your working relationship, and be sure to come prepared with specific examples of behavior that you think crossed the line. Ask your boss what they intended when they made certain comments or acted in a certain way. You may discover that your boss did not intend to be harsh or cruel—you'll have to decide if you believe them.

Keep in mind that this conversation may be uncomfortable for both of you. You'll both need some time to digest, so don't expect an immediate breakthrough. Offer that flexibility and remain open to constructive dialogue going forward.

Once you hear your boss’s perspective it may help you change yours. An employer who pushes you because they believe in your potential should be seen as your ally. You may realize that you’re incredibly lucky to have a boss who won’t settle for mediocrity, and doesn’t want you to settle for it either. Or you may find they're just not a fit for you. Either way, you'll have gained more insight into your working relationship and can make an informed decision about your next steps.