What To Do If You Recognize Narcissism in Yourself

“They’re such a narcissist.” 

You’ve probably heard this phrase at least a couple of times in your life. You may have used it yourself, to describe someone who is self-absorbed, vain and overly concerned with their own needs at the expense of everyone else's.

But have you ever stopped to wonder, “Am I behaving too much like a narcissist?” 

Now, displaying a little narcissism is a normal thing. As a personality trait, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and we're all capable of exhibiting some level of narcissistic behavior from time to time. A healthy amount might even be helpful—giving you the confidence to set healthy boundaries and the courage to step outside of your comfort zone. 

However, being too narcissistic is bad news for yourself and the people around you. If you live in a world of ‘me, me, me’, your relationships may suffer, and you likely will end up in a toxic cycle of seeking attention and pushing people away. 

If this sounds like you, take comfort in the fact that you can reduce narcissistic personality traits through a little self-awareness and reflection. 

Here’s how to do it. 

Signs you’re tipping too far into narcissism

Before we get into the steps to decrease your narcissistic tendencies, you need to be able to recognize them. We are often blind to our own behaviors and patterns, so it’s important to take a step back and assess yourself objectively. Here are the seven tell-tale signs that you may be in need of a humility check. 

1. You are hogging the spotlight in conversations. When the conversation drifts away from you, you quickly interrupt, share a shocking story, or relate whatever’s being said back to your own life to regain control of the narrative.  
2. You harvest a deep feeling that you’re ‘special’ compared to other people. This translates into a double standard where rules that apply to others don't seem to apply to you. You think you deserve good things, and feel slighted and angry when you don’t get them. 
3. Your self-esteem fluctuates dramatically between extreme confidence and insecurity. When things are going well, you feel like you’re on top of the world and could do anything. But the slightest rejection or conflict can make you feel anxious and upset. 
4. You desperately want to be loved and appreciated by the people around you, but you also don’t want to take on their emotional baggage. You feel validated when they listen to your problems, ideas and achievements—but you find returning the favor in kind draining. 
5. In a disagreement, you don’t see the other person’s perspective because you don’t see any wrongdoing on your part. You may play the victim, perhaps even pushing the other person into a state of anger to bolster your sense of innocence. 
6. You’d never admit it, but you often feel secretly jealous of others. You don’t understand why some people seem to have it ‘better’ than you.  
7. Because you’re so caught up in how you feel, you rarely think about how your friends and family are feeling. You may forget birthdays, bail on plans last minute or not reply to texts for weeks. If your family did this to you, you’d be fuming—but you don’t really notice when you're doing it yourself. 

How to be a little less narcissistic 

Okay, so, you’ve discovered that you're more narcissistic than you’d like to be. Firstly, don’t fret! Everyone is capable of being too self-absorbed at times, and it’s never too late to improve your mindset. 

Here are the steps to take.  

Learn your triggers 

Very few people are constantly narcissistic. Their behavior goes up or down depending on life circumstances.

For example, if you’re feeling especially insecure at the moment, you might be preoccupied with how you come across to others and what you say. On the other side of the spectrum, if you're on a winning streak, you might start to feel like you’re lucky, invincible—and maybe even special. 

Both ways of thinking can lead to narcissistic behaviors, albeit fueled by very different levels of self-worth. By noticing these thought patterns and where they come from, you can then begin to reframe your thoughts in a healthier, more realistic way. 

For example, if you have thoughts like: “Everyone is looking at me,” or “I was really charming in that conversation,” learn to challenge them. Realistically, everyone is very much caught up in their own lives, and they’re not giving you as much mental headspace as you think. 

Reframe your values 

Values are basically our underlying operating systems: they guide what we do, say and feel about the world. For people with high levels of narcissism, values tend to center around superficial things like beauty, achievement, status and wealth. 

While there’s nothing wrong with valuing these things to some extent, it’s also important to balance these ideals with heartfelt ones—values like humility, kindness and integrity. 

If you don't know what your values are, taking a personality test like TypeFinder or Enneagram can help. It's incredibly easy to overlook or even deny your values in times of stress or insecurity, so it's important to take the time to identify and reaffirm them.

Armed with these insights, you can then make goals and decisions that truly resonate with who you are. 

Listen to others and ask questions 

A huge part of becoming less narcissistic is extending compassion to other people, and the best way to do that is through curiosity. So in your next conversation, try to listen more than you talk.

Resist the urge to impress the other person. Instead, ask thoughtful questions that help you understand the human across from you on a deeper level and their perspective on the world.

The more empathetic you are, the less you’ll feel the need to always be talking or in control.

Burst your own bubble 

When you find yourself caught up in self-absorbed thinking, challenge yourself to zoom out: what are your friends and family up to? What’s going on in the world? How are other people feeling today? 

Actively seek to meet people in person to escape your own head for a while. Watch movies or read books that follow characters or plots vastly different from your own life experiences. Step out of your digital echo chamber and actively seek out other people’s stories, even if you don’t always agree with them.

While they only sound like small changes, these small conscious actions will make a huge difference in your life and relationships. They'll soon change your responses from self-absorbed to self-aware.