Why The Aliens Will Abduct You, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Ever pondered why, in the vast, star-speckled expanse of the universe, aliens would zero in on your front lawn as a place to park their spaceship? Could it be your boundless empathy making waves across galaxies? Or perhaps your eye for perfection has them plotting to hire you for their next space fleet renovation? 

Let’s explore what it is about your Enneagram type that makes you so irresistibly abductable to our interstellar neighbors. 

Type 1: You have the blueprint for a perfect world

When extraterrestrials are on the hunt for the crème de la crème of human perfectionism and moral fiber, they're not just shooting for the stars—they're aiming directly for Type Ones. Your self-discipline and knack for organizing everything down to the last paperclip means you're already one step ahead in creating the perfect society. The aliens are just itching to get their hands on your meticulously laid-out strategies and moral compass and learn from the best. Who knew the aliens were such neat freaks? 

Type 2: You’ll teach aliens about hospitality 

Aliens can’t learn about the human race without having a crash course on our emotions. That's why they'll snatch up you, Type Two, the master of charming conversation and making everyone feel like they’re at home. When AirBnB goes intergalactic, they'll know who to thank for their five-star ratings across the cosmos. Admit it: you’re so eager to be needed by literally everyone that you’d happily volunteer to be abducted! 

Type 3: You’re the cosmic catalyst

As a Type Three, or as we like to call you, the “Unofficial Galactic Campaign Manager,” your ambition and charm aren't just turning heads on Earth—they're causing quite the stir in the farthest reaches of the Milky Way. Aliens have been eyeing your LinkedIn profile for a while, utterly astounded by your ability to turn even the most mundane project into a rousing success story. Whether it's selling timeshares on Mars or making Planet Zerphin great again, you're the go-to for making people buy into the impossible. Who else could talk humanity into packing up and moving to a new planet with the promise of better WiFi?

Type 4: You’re their creative muse  

Aliens get a bad rap in Hollywood movies and the poor guys are desperately seeking a creative rebrand. Enter Type Fours, the purveyors of all things unique and unexpected. The aliens have been watching your emo poetry slams from afar, taking notes on how to inject some much-needed depth and edge into their misunderstood image. They'll be lining up to abduct you for a one-on-one masterclass in the art of introspection, hoping you can help shed their trope-ridden, villainous image for something far more nuanced and compelling. Think of it as an intergalactic cultural exchange program.

Type 5: You’re going to set up the first intergalactic scientific research center 

The aliens may be lightyears ahead of us in terms of technology, but they still can't resist the allure of a Type Five's brilliant mind. Your hunger for knowledge and unparalleled ability to solve complex problems has them itching to bring you aboard their spaceship as their resident science consultant.  They may have mastered interstellar travel, but they're still eager to learn everything they can from you about particle physics and the secrets of the universe. Who knows, maybe you'll be the one to finally crack the code on time travel.

Type 6: You’re going to upgrade their defense systems 

You know that humans have been preparing for first-contact scenarios, but have you ever stopped to consider that aliens may be doing the same thing? That's why they're going to abduct Type Sixes, the ultimate safety-conscious, worst-case scenario-planning experts. They'll be eager to learn all about your strategies for anticipating potential threats and implementing foolproof defense systems for their ships. You're the person standing between them and total annihilation, so be sure to bring your A-game.

Type 7: You’re their in-flight entertainment  

Who wouldn't want to spend an eternity on a spaceship with a Type Seven? Your boundless energy and insatiable thirst for adventure make you the perfect companion for a long journey through the cosmos. Aliens have FOMO just like humans do, and they'll be lining up to abduct you as their in-flight entertainment. Your knack for finding fun in any situation will come in handy when the hyperspace drive breaks down mid-flight. Just remember to pace yourself—it's going to be a loooong trip.

Type 8: You’re their future leader 

When the aliens land and say “take me to your leader,” they're not looking for the President. No, they want to meet Type Eights, the natural-born leaders with unshakable confidence and a fierce will to protect their people. Your blunt, no-nonsense attitude is just what the aliens need to win at those interstellar negotiations and secure ever-lasting peace. If talks break down, you'll be ready to stand your ground and lead them into battle. Next stop, planetary domination! 

Type 9: You’ll unite their factions 

You've seen Divergence, you've read the Hunger Games, and you know that factionalism is the downfall of any species. That's why the aliens are clamoring to abduct Type Nines—for wise tips on securing universal harmony. Get ready to unite those warring alien subgroups and teach the aliens about peaceful coexistence. If goodwill is what they want, you’ll deliver peace on a silver platter. Hey, you could even be the key to creating harmonious human-alien relationships in the future. No pressure...