Can Gratitude Really Be Toxic?

You’d have to be living under a rock in recent years not to have heard about the many benefits of gratitude for our physical and mental well-being. Many people extol the advantages of keeping a gratitude journal or performing some other personal gratitude practice. Remembering all we have to be grateful for can definitely help us be more satisfied with our life and get us through hard times.

But have we been getting it wrong? Is it possible that gratitude—which seems like such a positive thing—can actually be toxic? 

Sadly, the answer is ‘yes.’ When you feel pressured to feel and express gratitude for something, in ways that feel inauthentic, it can make you feel guilty and resentful and keep you from trusting our own needs and feelings.

If the word “should” is the primary motivator behind your “gratitude,” whether it’s your own voice or someone else’s you’re listening to, then you may be practicing toxic gratitude.

3 signs your gratitude is toxic

#1. You’re shamed into it

Toxic gratitude, also known as toxic positivity and gratitude shaming, involves feeling pressured into expressing gratitude you may not feel. Often, that pressure comes from outside yourself, in one of the following ways:

• Comparative gratitude: You’re told that you should be grateful because some people have a worse situation than your own. While that may be true, gratitude shouldn’t be about comparing your life to that of others or denying your own feelings.
• Forced positivity: You feel pressure to be grateful for everything and always be positive. Logically, you know that not all feelings and experiences will be positive, and it should be okay to admit that you're feeling bad or even miserable without being labeled as ungrateful—but in practice, you can't do that.
• Public displays of gratitude: You feel the need to publicly express gratitude, especially on social media. This can become artificial and insincere, a kind of “performative gratitude.” This type of gratitude may feel more like boasting, or just take all the genuineness and joy out  of it.

Regardless of the form it takes, gratitude shaming is forced and unnatural. It takes a genuine human emotion and turns it into a performance, which can have damaging effects on your mental health.

#2. You start doubting your own judgment 

It’s important to be able to trust yourself when you feel that something isn’t working, or that someone isn’t treating you well. But if you’re falling into a pattern of toxic gratitude, you might end up gaslighting yourself into believing that everything you have is good enough, and you are grateful.

For example, suppose you aren’t happy with some important aspects of your job. Maybe you need a raise, work too much overtime, have a consistently difficult manager, or just feel ready for a new challenge. You could take charge of your career destiny and work to resolve those issues—or you could tell yourself that you are grateful to have a decent job when others are unemployed.

Guess which route might be more likely to result in professional growth and satisfaction?

In this case, your toxic gratitude for a job that isn’t meeting your needs may be holding you back from taking necessary steps to improve your situation. You’re internalizing the voices that tell you how you should feel and what you should be grateful for instead of listening to your own needs. While gratitude is healthy, forcing gratitude and denying your authentic experience is not.

#3. You use it as an excuse to quit growing

While being grateful can include knowing when what you have is good enough, it’s an entirely different thing to use gratitude as an excuse to avoid ever stretching beyond your comfort zone.

When it's toxic, gratitude could easily become an excuse to stay in a relationship, career or other situation that’s no longer a good fit, when what you’re really experiencing is fear of reaching for something better. Or, you’re afraid to ask for what you need from your boss, spouse or yourself, because you think you don’t deserve better, or you may lose what you have. 

To oversimplify, you convince yourself that plain vanilla ice cream is better than no ice cream at all. It stops you from getting the flavor you actually like, or some chocolate sauce.

How to deal with toxic gratitude

If you recognize some of the signs of toxic gratitude in your life, there are some things you can do to keep it from holding you back, without becoming an ungrateful person or losing sight of what is good in your life. Let’s look at a few.

Cultivate genuine gratitude

Ironically, having genuine gratitude for all that is good in your life could give you the strength to avoid toxic gratitude and tune out harmful outside voices.

Focus on the things that you’re grateful for right now, rather than waiting until you have everything you want. Make it authentic, not compulsory or a performance for others. Keep it private and personal. 

Listen to yourself

Having gratitude for the good things in your life doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge other, more negative emotions, or express a need for something beyond what you currently have.

An example: You’re truly grateful for your wonderful spouse and family, and know that not everyone is so fortunate. But you also know that you’re heading for burnout because you’re not getting enough help around the house or time to take care of yourself. 

You can be grateful that you have caring relationships and other worthwhile things in your life. But at the same time, you can give yourself permission to ask for what you need in order to continue being happy, healthy and balanced. 

Recognize that two realities can exist at once

Let’s look again at the example of thinking you should be grateful that you have a job, so you shouldn’t ask for what you need or even consider looking for a more fulfilling career.

That first part might be true. It does make sense to be grateful for having a source of livelihood. And there probably are good things about your current job. But that doesn’t mean that the second part is not true, or that you would not benefit from finding a career that makes you truly happy.

Both realities can exist simultaneously.

Appropriate gratitude could motivate you to ask for changes that would allow you to stay at work and thrive in your position. Or, it could, or keep you sustained emotionally as well as financially while you look for something that’s a better fit. 

If you're thinking in binaries, then you might be heading into toxic gratitude territory. Instead, allow yourself to both feel grateful for what is working, and acknowledge what isn’t, so you can do something about it.