How to Confront Someone When You Hate Confrontation

Though some people seem to thrive on conflict and confrontation, most of us view it as a necessary evil. Others will avoid confrontation at almost any cost. Do someone’s chores or their share of a work assignment? No problem. Neighbor knocks on your door an hour before your alarm goes off, again? Put on a robe and a smile and make them coffee. 

While most of us aren’t willing to go this far, we may be tempted at times to shy away from even necessary confrontational conversations. Though it seems easier, it's just not a viable long term way to live our lives. At some point something’s got to give. If you wait too long to address the problem, it will be the relationship, your work—or your sanity—that ends up being sacrificed. 

This reluctance to face confrontation head-on begs the question: are some personalities more predisposed to avoid conflict than others? The answer is a resounding yes. In the Myers and Briggs system, Introverted Feelers (INFJ, INFP, ISFJ, ISFP) may get overwhelmed by the heightened feelings and strong emotions that confrontations bring up. In the Enneagram, Type 9 and Type 6 are usually the most conflict-avoidant because they want to maintain harmony and stability in their relationships—though Type 5s may also walk away because they do not want the drama.

Whatever the reason for the confrontation, or your preference for avoiding it, at some point you’ll need to figure out a way to move through rather than around it. Dealing with confrontation in a healthy way is a skill that can be learned. Here are some tips to help you get more comfortable with handling confrontation.

1. Stick to the issue at hand

Once you begin a difficult conversation, you might be tempted to air every grievance you’ve ever held against the person. That might take a while and derail the conversation. But more importantly, it almost certainly won’t be well-received and will just lead to an argument or a contest over who has wronged whom the most.

Try to stay on topic, addressing the particular situation that needs to be dealt with now. And, focus more on solutions than on blame. If this is just one example of a pattern of behavior you’re no longer willing to live with, you can find a diplomatic way to address that later, if necessary. But for now, limit yourself to what’s most urgent and relevant. 

You may even find that working out a solution to the current conflict may make a positive change in your interactions with that person going forward.

2. Choose the right time and place

If the conversation is likely to be stressful or embarrassing for you or the other person, or if the topic is a sensitive one, having others around to witness the confrontation and possibly even take sides will only make matters worse. Trying to have the discussion in a busy or noisy place filled with distractions and possible interruptions won’t help either.

Instead, try to choose a quiet, private place where you both feel comfortable, and a time when you’re both more likely to be relaxed, receptive and not feel rushed: maybe a coffee shop you both like at a time that isn’t too busy, a walk outside at lunchtime, or whatever suits both parties.

A word to the wise: if you’re meeting with someone who’s at their worst in the mornings, don’t consider confronting them then!

3. Be proactive

Don’t wait for an explosion before you deal with a problem. Then you’re doing damage control instead of making things better before they get out of hand. And if something is important to you, it’s probably best not to wait around until the other party mentions it or act like a doormat until the situation hopefully blows over. 

Chances are it will have to be dealt with sometime, so you might as well act preventatively rather than reacting later when things get worse. If you’re proactive in planning out what to say and how to say it, you set yourself up for success and minimize anxiety. And you’ll feel more in control of the situation if you initiate the confrontation instead of waiting to see if the other person does so—maybe at a time you’re not prepared for it.

4. Put it in writing, the right way

Let’s start here with what not to do. We’ve all had a roommate, co-worker or someone else in our lives who tries to avoid confrontation by leaving notes with their complaints when we’re not around. This is unfair and frustrating because they’re making sure theirs is the only ‘voice’ that gets heard. 

But there are other ways you can use writing to give yourself the clarity and calm you need, especially if you’re an introvert. Some of these include:

• Use email or text to set up a time to talk and apprise the other person of the topic you need to discuss.
• Make notes clarifying your thoughts and key points to prepare yourself mentally and keep things on track during the discussion.
• Follow up in writing to make sure you’re both on the same ‘page’ about what was discussed and what your plan is going forward. This can be a chance to show the other person you’re interested in their thoughts and feelings and want to maintain the relationship, while you also expect them to follow through on their part.

5. Try to make it win win

While you likely think you’re in the right, the other party probably feels the same way. Rather than fighting it out until one of you comes out the winner and one must accept defeat, find a way for each of you to get something you want. Then you’ll have a much better chance of successfully resolving the conflict and keeping it from recurring.

For example, suppose you have a neighbor on a different schedule than yours who often makes noise that travels through your shared wall when you’re trying to sleep. If you have to ask them to be quieter at certain hours, you could offer to reciprocate by asking what “quiet hours” they’d like you to observe.

It’s also important that you both are able to keep your dignity. The point is to fix what’s not working, not antagonize or humiliate anyone. In the above example, you’ll probably have a better outcome if you say you’re asking for a favor that will make your life easier rather than making demands or ultimatums. 

6. Use your emotional intelligence

During the confrontation, you may notice your own emotions or those of the other person veering out of control. Then you may notice that you’re reacting emotionally to their emotional response. That’s a lot of feelings. 

But let’s focus on the noticing. If you can step back and observe what’s going on within yourself, with the other person, and between you, you have a better chance of keeping things calm and constructive. 

If you see the interaction going in the wrong direction, you can use your emotional intelligence skills to get things back on track. Tap into your empathy to understand what the other person needs at the moment, and your emotional regulation skills to gain your equilibrium after the confrontation.

Conclusion

Confrontation isn't fun or easy, but it doesn't have to be scary either. Not addressing something that needs to be addressed will just make things worse in the long run. You can approach confrontation with forethought, good will, and good planning.

If you want some “homework,” practice these tips in a low-risk situation, such as a minor misunderstanding with your mom, before tackling a more difficult confrontation. With practice and persistence, you can become a pro at keeping your confrontation healthy and human-friendly.