How to Spot a Seriously Toxic Friend

We all have that friend. OK, they might not be an overt Regina George-esque Mean Girl but, whenever you spend time with them, you leave feeling deflated and down.

Whether they subtly one-up you, don’t listen to what you have to say, or bulldoze all over your boundaries, you’re beginning to feel like they could be a toxic person.

Here’s how to know for sure. 

1. They have a knack for putting you down

According to Dr. Audrey Tang, psychologist and award-winning business author, one of the hallmarks of a toxic friend is sly remarks–the kind that undermine you and eat away at your confidence. 

“Toxic friends make you feel like you’re wrong or fell short of the mark,” she explains. “Perhaps their 'funny stories' include embarrassing anecdotes about you, or they make throwaway comments on things they know you are sensitive about.”

They may also invalidate your feelings when you try to call them out, dishing out passive-aggressive comments like “you don’t get the joke” or “you misunderstood,” Tang notes. 

2. They’re super self-centered 

A friend doesn’t have to be proactively mean to be toxic. If everything is about them, that’s another red flag in itself. 

“If you begin to feel like an accessory to their life, this can indicate a friendship is turning toxic,” shares Tang, noting that toxic friends have a tendency to turn the conversation towards “how great they are and what they achieved recently.”

Instead of a healthy 50/50 dialogue, “any validation or compassion in the relationship will be one sided,” Tang explains. “They are notably brightened when you tell them how great they are, but you might recognize that they don’t often do the same for you.”

When you do try to talk about your life, this kind of toxic friend will probably try to one up you.

“Even if you express something you are upset about, they’ll try to go one better, saying things like, 'Oh you think that’s bad well I…' for example,” she says. 

3. Your other friends are wary

Another glaring sign of a toxic friend? How your other friends feel about them.

“There’s a Spanish proverb that says 'You can tell the measure of a man by their friends,'" Tang says. “If people you trust and whose opinions you value are less keen to see you with that friendship in tow, perhaps you need to ask yourself if there is something you are overlooking.” 

In a similar vein, it’s also wise to consider how many long-term friends the person in question has kept over the years. 

“While it’s not always easy to stay in touch, those who have been friends with a toxic person may purposefully not reach out,” explains Tang. 

Be especially wary of a toxic friend ‘spin doctoring’ past relationships turned sour. As Tang notes: “They may even use this to their advantage, saying: “I have so many people who used to be really good friends with me and then couldn’t be bothered.” 

In reality, it might be that your friend is the problem. 

4. They don’t respect your time

While every friend is entitled to bail once in a while, a serial flake spells bad news. As Tang notes, someone who constantly skips out at the last minute or is always late probably “doesn't value your time.” 

“If you find yourself making excuses or telling that friend to arrive 30 minutes early because you know they are always late, it may be worth questioning if their other attributes are worth making excuses over,” she advises.  

5. Your body knows something is up

Sometimes, toxic behavior is so subtle and nuanced that it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what the other person did or said. Tang notes that the key thing is to listen to your gut. 

“Whether it’s their passive aggression, their need for attention, or the fact it’s all about them, you just don’t really enjoy spending time with them anymore,” she says. 

The Psychology of Toxicity

If you’re wondering why a previously solid friendship has suddenly become shaky, Tang says it's usually for one of three reasons. The first is the familiar green-eyed monster. 

“Envy can result in one party acting out rather than working to develop their own strengths,” Tang says. She uses examples like a good friend turning against you after you receive a promotion or get into a new relationship.

“Whenever we are pointing the finger outwards, it tends to be because we are trying to avoid looking inwards. By bringing someone else down, rather than working to raise themselves up, the friend feels better – and doesn't need to admit they need to do something about their own insecurities,” she explains.

Then, of course, there’s the friendships that always had a nuanced undertone of toxicity. These relationships can unravel some difficult home truths.

“We might unconsciously be drawn to people who emulate the behaviors we are used to,” says Tang. “For example, in the past, you may have felt rejected, neglected or not loved in the way you desire, so you seek out what is called a 'corrective experience,' hoping they will fill the need that you have.”

Of course, looking to someone else to heal old wounds almost never ends well. But if you’re prone to this kind of behavior, realization is the first step towards friendship freedom. 

Lastly, there are those friends who really don’t know they’re being toxic and would genuinely feel bad when they realize they’ve upset you. 

“It’s important to recognize that we all go through life carrying some sort of emotional baggage,” explains Tang. She explains that toxicity can sometimes be a matter of perspective. “This can mean that we may respond naturally in a way that someone else might consider toxic, for example, saying ‘look on the bright side.’ This dissonance occurs as you might genuinely be coming from a place of love, whereas the other person feels dismissed.” 

Four things to do if they’re toxic for you

So, whether intentionally or not, you’ve established that your friendship is as toxic as mercury. Now what? 

Here’s what Tang suggests. 

1. Communicate 

Once you realize a friend is acting in a toxic way, it’s all too easy to label them as ‘bad.’ But, as Tang notes, it’s wise to first give them the benefit of the doubt.  

“Remember toxic behavior may not be deliberate, so giving the other person the chance to reflect and explain can help,” she says. “By kindly calling them out, you give them the opportunity to reflect – and may even forge a deeper friendship.”

To open a dialogue about the state of your friendship, she suggests asking open-ended questions like, “What did you mean by that?” or “When you said X, that upset me, why did you do that?”

How they respond will give you a huge inkling into whether they’re truly toxic or not. 

“A real friend will listen,” she says. “A  toxic friend may get angry or simply withdraw.”

2. Set boundaries 

If you tried to communicate and it felt like you were talking to a brick wall, it’s time to set some boundaries. 

“Setting boundaries on your time can help you preserve your energy for those who make you feel great,” Tang says. 

Of course, ‘no’ can feel like a dirty word, but Tang has some helpful strategies you can use to put a healthy distance between you and a toxic friend. 

“We generally don’t like offending others, and often feel a huge sense of guilt or shame when we say no,” she notes. “Having empowering responses prepared can help you when you are caught off-guard.” 

She recommends tactics like delaying (”Can I let you know at the end of the day?”) and implementing time limits (“Of course I can help, but I only have five minutes”) to better manage draining friendships. 

On top of that, she emphasizes that it’s totally okay to let the friendship go if you think it’s beyond repair. 

“It's okay if you'd rather not spend time with people,” she says, “You do not have to give more time to others than you choose.”

3. Get clear on your values

Ending a toxic friendship can feel just as intense as a romantic breakup, but it’s also a huge learning opportunity: a chance to think about what friendship really means to you.

To discover exactly what that is, Tang recommends doing some soul searching. Reflect on your current relationships and think about which ones bring you joy, make you feel most like yourself, and offer a mutual level of respect and honesty.

At its core, Tang says this is all about getting clear on your values: the qualities you want to nurture in yourself, and want to see in other people. If you're a little fuzzy on your values, tests like our free 16 Types test and Enneagram test are fun ways to learn about what really matters to you. 

Once you know, you can “focus on living your values, and make friendship choices accordingly,” Tang says.    

4. Don’t let yourself slip into toxicity

Last but certainly not least, to truly have healthy, thriving, meaningful friendships, you have to be in a healthy place yourself. 

So, as you shed any toxic friends and nurture authentic friendships, don't forget to prioritize your own growth and love. 

“Remember, other people are not there to complete you,” Tang says. “It is important that relationships in your life are a bonus rather than a replacement for self-love. If we are able to give love and validation to ourselves, the source is infinite.”