How to Talk Politics With Your Family Using Personality-Based Insights

There is one thing you can always count on at family gatherings: politics will be discussed at least a dozen times.

And it won’t always be pretty.

Everyone has those relatives. There's the cousin who has completely different political views than the rest of the family and is not afraid to share them, loudly. The aunt who believes in a slew of alternative facts, convinced that their social media feed is the ultimate source of truth. The in-law who always brings up a controversial topic just to stir the pot. The teenager who can't resist taking potshots from the sidelines because it's election year and the grown-ups are acting partisan and paranoid.

And then there's you, trying to keep calm while white-knuckling your hot dog and wishing you were anywhere else but here.

In a moment, we're going to give some tips for facing political discussions at 4th of July celebrations and other holiday gatherings with a little more confidence and grace.

But first, let's take a step back and ask ourselves: why is talking politics so difficult, especially with family?

You People are Ruining The Country!

You’ve heard the expression: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”? It speaks to the tendency of human beings when faced with a common adversary to band together and bond over shared struggles. It feels good to be part of a team, especially when there’s someone else to hate.

But it doesn’t just apply to other people, it applies to values as well—including politics. If you strongly identify as a Democrat, for example, then you’re likely to feel more hostility towards Republicans, even if they're a much-loved member of your family and even if they come up with a good argument that you can actually get behind. It’s an “us vs them” mentality that can easily turn into a heated argument or personal attacks when discussing political views (especially when fueled by alcohol).

Another reason politics can be so contentious is because we often see our beliefs as facts, and anyone who disagrees with us as ignorant or uninformed. This is especially true in today's world where information is readily available at our fingertips and everyone has their own sources for news and opinions.

But here's the thing: facts are not always objective truths. They can be shaped and interpreted differently depending on our biases, beliefs—and yes, our personality.

Politics Divides on Personality Lines

Where do our political beliefs come from? There is increasing evidence that our personality traits predispose us to having certain political tastes.

For example, we sampled 25,223 individuals to see if their Typefinder personality type (based on Myers and Briggs) played any role in determining their political affiliation. In a nutshell, we found that personality correlates with people's political views even more than age, which might explain why generational stereotypes fall apart when you're talking about politics.

Curious about what we discovered? You can read a full report on the findings here, but here's a quick rundown:

• Intuitives are four times more likely to identify as Democrat than Republican. 
• Feelers are also more represented among Democrats than Republicans.
• Judgers are the opposite; they're more likely to identify as Republican than Democrat. The higher the Judging score, the stronger the Republican affiliation.
• Republicans are more likely to be Extraverts.
• Perceivers and Intuitives are the most likely to vote for a third party.

If you need a picture, you could say that a typical Democrat would be an INFP (empathetic, open-minded, idealistic), while a typical Republican would be ESTJ (practical, traditional, goal-oriented). 

So what does all this mean for your 4th of July family gathering?

While you may not be able to avoid passionate political debates this election year, you can apply what you know about personality types to approach these discussions with a little more understanding and composure. Try these tips:

#1: Engage from a position of curiosity

As a fan of personality theory, you know that different personality traits predict lots of things about us, from healthy habits to career success. It's the same thing here: your relatives aren't trying to be difficult - their personality and way of looking at the world are hardwired into them, and that is going to surface as different political opinions to your own. So instead of getting frustrated and trying to change their minds, try to understand where they're coming from. Listen, just listen.

#2: Don't tell anyone their feelings are wrong

Even if you have all the facts at your fingertips and can put your money where your mouth is, chances are you're bringing data to an opinion fight. And opinions and feelings cannot be wrong. Knowing that can do wonders when you're staring at the fireworks display and your uncle starts talking about why climate change is a hoax.

#3: Communicate in their personality style

Sensors (more likely, but not always, right leaning) prefer tangible information and practical examples when discussing government policies. They want to know what it means and how it will work, and they may be intimidated by ideas that stray too far from tradition. Intuitives (more likely, but not always, left leaning) prefer discussing 'what ifs' and big possibilities. They may dismiss "the way it has always been done" as old-fashioned and irrelevant.

How do you imagine that will play out when you're debating tax raises with Uncle John?

Since you're the one with an understanding of personality theory, try to communicate in a way that makes sense to your relative. It may not heal a political division, but it helps them feel heard and understood. When the relative is happy because they've had a chance to express their feelings, you can perform a technique called pivoting, where you say, “I'd like to offer a different perspective now.” Your relative, in a more open frame of mind, is more likely to listen and receive your perspective. Everybody wins.

#4: Find common ground

When we have political discussions, we tend to frame the issues through the lens of our own values. For instance, a Feeler personality might support universal healthcare because it aligns with their value of compassion, while a Thinker might oppose it due to concerns about government spending and personal responsibility. An Intuitive might support it for the potential benefits to society, while a Sensor might be hesitant because it's unfamiliar and "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Finding common values or concerns can help bridge the gap and lead to a more productive conversation. Have these three phrases at your fingertips to help you find a bit more understanding:

• "That's an interesting point, can you tell me more about why you feel that way?"
• "I hadn't thought about it that way. Can I share how I see it?"
• "I think we can agree on the basic premise that...” 

#5: Don't try to change anyone's mind

This is a family cookout, not the campaign trail. Your goal is not to "correct" someone's views or bring them over to your side—it's to have a conversation without blowing up at each other! If someone brings up a hot button issue that's just too much for you, try to redirect the conversation or change the subject altogether. When you’re really stuck, fall back on the “I agree this is a difficult issue” response, or find something else to endorse about the relative.

At the end of the day, you're here to celebrate with your family. You still have to be friends with them long after the food, fireworks—and the election—are over. Remembering that may make it easier to bite your tongue and pass the potato salad when your cousin starts another tirade.